The Journal - March 14 - March 20, 1999

3-19-99 Friday

Once upon a time someone I loved (and probably still love) would tell to me how unhappy he was.  Unhappy with his life, unhappy with his appearance, unhappy unhappy. What was he NOT unhappy about?  I told him that I think you make your own happiness.   Life is what you make of it.  Sure you are dealt certain cards, what you are born with physically, your family and what their financial situation may be.   But as we grow older and grow as people, we take charge of our lives and try to make things better.   Yes, there are going to be times when your life sucks.  I have known some major suckage in my life.  And yes, I wallowed in my unhappiness and self-pity.   Trust me, I am the queen of wallowing.  But I can look back on my life and see how far I've come.   I'm not going to get into a sob story about the bad times I've been through and where I've been.   I know where I've been and I'm not there anymore.  I'm here and I'm in a better place.  Now I'm trying to take charge of my life and yes, it's a struggle.   I struggle every day.

Strength.  I want to be strong.  I'm trying now to be strong in mind, body and spirit.  

Mind - I'm trying to read/study every day.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I flake.  But I'm trying.

Body - I've been working out everyday.  I'm seeing results and I'm feeling better about myself.

Spirit - I say a little prayer...   Yes, I pray.  I believe in God and I know the only reason I'm here on earth is because He put me here.  Contrary to popular belief, I do not think that I am the center of the Universe.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm just a speck.  But I'm a speck with a voice and I suppose a need to be heard.   Isn't that what the web and websites are all about? For all those people with personal websites out there, isn't that what you want?   To be heard, seen, noticed?  Otherwise, why be public and accessible to the world?   What the heck is my point?  Perspective.  Putting things in perspective and keeping things in perspective.  

How good/bad is your life?   It can always be better and you can make it better.  Where do you fit into the grand scheme of things?  Ok, too much to think about.  How bout what is your sphere?  

Sphere : an area or range over or within which someone or something acts, exists, or has influence or significance

What is your sphere?

 

3-18-99 Thursday

I realized a long time ago that I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me. I know that sounds so simple and basic it should be obvious but I don't think that that is true in many relationships. I know I've been in a few relationships where the person I was with did not bring out the best in me and vice versa. And by that I mean bring out my good qualities and make me be the best person I could be. Remember in the movie "As Good As it Gets" where Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt, "You make me want to be a better man.".   That's what I want, well except to be a better woman. .  But even more so, I want the person that I'm with not to just make me *want* to be a better person, but actually make me BE a better person. Not *actively* like they sit there and tell me how to act or try to change me, but just by being the person that they are, their good qualities will bring out my good qualities.   I don't think people should change because of other people but I think that people in your life should have a positive affect on your life. I've had people in my life who did not have a positive in affect in my life. They're gone now.  

I've realized that I need to be with someone who knows where to draw the line with me.  I'm not saying someone who totally controls me, but they can't let me get away with murder also because that would allow me to be selfish.   It's so easy to be selfish. I think most people are inherently selfish.  I know I am.   But oftentimes, being with the right person makes you become a more giving person.  And not just to that person.   Maybe it's that being with the right person can allow you to look beyond yourself.   

I've realized (seems like I've come to a lot of realizations eh?) that when a person is unhappy, especially when they are unhappy with themselves, they tend to be more selfish and self-centered.   When you're unhappy with yourself, you're thinking, "Man, my life sucks. Poor me, poor me."  And you don't look beyond yourself.   How can you see what's going on around you when all you can do is focus on yourself and your unhappiness?

I like to surround myself with nice people.   I think because I hope that their goodness will eventually rub off on me.  Hey, it could happen.   Truly nice, selfless people make me uncomfortable.  Sometimes I just want to poke them and say, "Are you for real?"   And then the little devil in me thinks, "Hmm, I wonder if I could do something to really piss them off.   Knock that halo on their head a little askew."   But of course I don't because deep inside, lurking somewhere is that icky nice side of me.  

I like being around people who bring out the best in me.   But at the same time, when I'm not at my best, I'm not going to blame that on those around me.  I'm my own person.  I'm an adult, I'm responsible for my own actions.  But if I can be with people who have a good influence on me and make me "Be a better woman" then that's what I'm going to do.   

You can't choose your relatives but you can choose your friends, lovers, partners, cohorts, etc.  People often make bad choices.  I know I have.   But you learn from them.   Isn't that what life is, one big long learning process?   I learn a little more about myself every day. Sometimes I don't like what I see but it helps me come a little closer to understanding myself.  And that, I think makes me a better person.  If I find that I can be at peace with myself and who I am, then I can be a better person and better influence on those around me.

Peace.

3-16-99 Tuesday

Pheromones. That's it. My twinnie Fredlet hit it right on the head. For a while now, I've tried to figure out why sometimes when I'm sitting across the table from a guy, I just want to launch myself across, tackle him and rip his clothes off. A guy who most of my friends would say, is at best someone who is mildly attractive with a semi-decent personality (and they're being generous). and then other times I can be sitting across from a guy who is totally good-looking, funny, sweet and a general all-around good guy and you couldn't light a match under my butt to get me going. After a while I just attributed it to my weird chemistry. Why was I attracted to these guys who were probably to the general public just average or maybe even below average in personality/looks and I would have absolutely no interest in other guys who were really great. Pheromones.  Something in our chemical makeup that makes us get all hot and bothered when we are around someone who "just does it" for us. That's what I'd have to say. Sometimes I can't explain it but there are some guys, maybe one in 50 million, that "just do it" for me.

Mmmm, yummy.