|
The Journal - Dec 31, 2000 - Jan 6, 2000 Memoirs of a BaddGrrl Current mood: | |||||||||
|
1-6-2000 Saturday 12:45pm 1-5-2000 Friday 7:00am So ironically, just before the new year I had told myself that I was going to be a more positive person. I was going to try to be a "glass half full" kind of person. The type that sees the brighter side to things. It was a new year, a new beginning, a new and better me. I had hoped. I wanted to be a better person. That was my goal. Not so much a resolution, just a goal. Then on Jan 2, 2001 the bomb dropped. Hey who pulled the rug out from under me and why am I sitting on the floor on my butt? Aren't I supposed to land on my feet? What gives? When it came down, I was angry. So very angry. And as long as I stayed angry then I wouldn't be hurt. That worked for about 15 minutes, but then as I looked at the faces of my coworkers, the hurt came in and then came the tears. And I cried. And as I cried, it made me more pissed. Pissed at them, pissed at myself for letting myself cry. Better they think I'm a bitch, or that I'm mean than to think that I'm weak. I didn't want to talk because when I did, I'd choke on my words and the tears would come. It didn't matter, I couldn't help it, I cried. I cried a lot that day. As long as I felt angry and bitter, I wouldn't feel the hurt as much but I knew deep inside that that wasn't going to do anyone any good, least of all myself. I learned a long time ago that hate, anger and bitterness, they're like a cancer. It eats away at you and hurts you more than anyone else. I didn't know I'd feel or react that way. All the emotions just came tumbling out. And now here I am, wondering what the future holds for me... _______________________________________ A friend of mine told me several months ago that he thought I was aloof. I was somewhat surprised since I'd been hanging out with him and the rest of the gang for several months and saw them several times a week. Me, aloof? But the reality was I knew it was true, I just hadn't heard it in a while. I used to get that a lot in college. People would tell me that they thought I was aloof. At the time it surprised me. It doesn't or I should say, it shouldn't anymore. I learned a long time ago that if you don't let people get close to you, they can't hurt you. If you don't let yourself care about people, you don't feel their pain. If you don't let yourself rely on people, they can't let you down. If you don't let yourself get attached to them, it won't hurt when they're gone. They say that no man is an island but I think I can come close. I used to joke with people that I could be like that tree lady, you know the one that lived up in that tree for 2 years. Except for that whole not showering thing. Eww. But yes, I like being alone. I think the one thing that I rarely ever feel is loneliness. When it comes right down to it, who is going to be there for you except you? I have this way of keeping people at arm's length. Not too close there, buddy. I think that's one reason why "HE" was scared. He actually told me several months ago that I scare him. I said, "I scare you? How? Why?" I laughed. He went on to tell me his impression of me. Omigod. I laughed again thinking, "You've known me for over 10 years, we've been thru how many attempts at a pseudo-relationship and you think I'm some sort of femme-fatale, black widow, Sharon Stone-Fatal Instinct type of woman??" I'm flattered. You just sit there while I cross my legs... slowly. I told him that I was flattered and amused but he was giving me way more credit than I deserved and I wasn't nearly that dangerous, interesting or glamorous. He told me that he thinks I'm dangerous. Only when I'm wielding a bat, babe. I know that he really doesn't know me at all and I told him that. But whose fault is that? Mine? His? Ours? I haven't talked to him in a couple months. I know it's better that way. We're "just friends" now. Although we both admitted we'll never really be just friends so yes, it's probably good that we limit our contact with each other. Being vulnerable sucks. He was the one person on the planet that I was most vulnerable to. I say was. I'm stronger now. I've learned. 1-4-2000 Thursday 1:00pm Okay... By the way today is Thursday so the garbageman, oh I mean "sanitary engineer" came by to pick up my garbage, I mean "refuse". Yeah, I think the sanitary engineer will be by SpotLife in a few months to pick up the refuse that's left after the next RIF takes them to a headcount of zero. Did I use the proper terminology there? Was that ok? Work for you? Works for me.
1-2-2000 Tuesday 6:04pm I had heard a rumor that lay offs might be coming but didn't know if I would be one of them. I mean, I guess the fact that I was actually employee number 1 (right after the company was started by the 4 founders). The fact that before there was a SpotLife, before there was a website, before they even had a product, I was the live demo for the project. When they were showing people what our concept was, they would point people to my website and my webcam. When the board of directors met in the beginning, they would bring up my webcam to show as an example of what was to come. When we needed a basic website to list job openings, I was the one that designed it. Ok it sucked but it was something and I did it. When anyone had questions about webcams and the webcam experience, I was the one they came to as the "expert". When we needed beta testers for the site, I put out a call on my site and pretty much all the beta testers came from my viewers. When the website finally came up and we were SpotLife, most of the traffic most likely originated from my website. I mean really, who had heard of SpotLife? Where was the initial traffic going to come from? And when we needed to put together SF.SpotLife for the big showcase project, who put it all together? Who found the RealWorld MTV house, put out the casting call and auditioned all the cast members? Who got all the calls and fixed all the cameras and computers and little problems that arose from the project? Sigh, I could go on and on about all the things that I did and all that I brought to the company but it won't matter. I could tell from fairly early on that they didn't and wouldn't value my contributions. I learned early on that they had no loyalties to me. My traffic, my website, my skills meant nothing to them. Even the consolation
of having vested one year of my stock options isn't going to mean anything.
Since the stock won't be worth anything. I also saw
what poor decisions management was making. Over and over
they'd do things that would make me just shake my head and say, "What
are they thinking? I thought the company was doing well. In November and December we had a huge hiring fest. Every day we'd be hiring new people. I figured we must be doing well. Two weeks later I hear we may have lay offs. What? Huh? Then why did they just hire a ton of people? What were they thinking? How shortsighted are these people? Another dotcom soon to bite the dust. But to be honest, I think I would have felt better going down with the ship than being cast out as they try to save themselves. Oh by the way, my birthday is Sunday. Happy Birthday to me.
|
![[ Open Pages ]](images/oplogo.gif){kind=small}